Moms. They have a certain glow about them, a very attractive aura about them. The good ones anyways. I say this because I know a lot of awful, hoe moms out there who do some pretty questionable things to and in front of their kids. Or just one. But I didn't wanna name drop and make it awkward, did I Amanda?

And then there's moms in need of caffeine, or, mom-bies.. I encountered a mom-bie just recently and lived to tell this story. So, ears and eyes, attentive listening. :)

She was nice, half awake. She made the brave trek from her room all the way down to the first floor with her kids. Her kids, by the way, were so cute and they were really sweet. I don't mean to side track you at the beginning of the story, but kids who usually come to the shop are terrible. Like who gave you a ticket to the chocolate factory and allowed you to eat gum that turns you into a blueberry, Violet?

Anyways, she was nice, half awake. She had a big order for her and her kids and those well-behaved tots deserved a treat so bam! Chocolate curls on top of the whipped cream. I finished everything and the mom, still half awake, smiled and was very pleasant. She reached into her purse as the kids drank their little hot chocolates and as her hand left the privacy of her lady business bag, my heart sank. Why, God? Why, of all people, of all times, did she have to have a Starbucks card? The fear in my eyes was obvious and I instantly turned red. I wanted to say, "Damn MILF, did you just fart?" She would've said, "...What?!" And then I would've said, "Cause you just blew me away!" But I couldn't. I had to tell her, "I'm so sorry, we can't take your card here."

She immediately stopped smiling and gave me this look. This insane look. It looked as if I had just told her I not only kicked her female dog, but I allowed it to be molested by my female dog while I recorded it to upload on xtube.com. I told her I was sorry and I even sprinkled a little sympathy on that MF, but the damage was already done. Like the teens in the R.Kelly trial, she was pissed and it was of her own consent.

I was like, "MILF, read the back of your card and notice where it says we don't take them, you beautiful, obviously pregnant while in high school 10." ...Okay, I didn't say that, but if she could read my mind she would've been like, "Yeah? You like that? Give me 2 squirts of that whipped cream all over these warm, plump low-fat muffins. And add a splenda if you're nasty."

I actually said, "I'm really sorry, we just aren't setup to take these cards, it's really ridiculous, I know." Here's where she transformed into a fucking beast.

"You know what? You guys, give those back, he's telling me you can't drink your hot chocolates cause he obviously doesn't know how a Starbucks card works."

...What?

Okay, two things. I didn't tell you your kids couldn't enjoy their delicious kids temperature beverages, especially when I made them so goddamn well. And two, who lit the fuse on your tampon? Who blew sand up your vagina and forced you to walk around the block? Who is the owner of the obviously not-working dick so I can let him know he's NOT doing a bang-up job?

I looked at her and then at her kids when their 8 oz dreams where snatched from them by her and thrown away into the trash like they were Mischa Barton's career. I honestly felt so bad for them, one looked like she was going to cry as she became so quiet and the other just looked like, "WTF?"

"Hey!"

She didn't turn around.

"Hey!!"

She walked over to her kids and prepared to walk away.

"HEY!"

"What?!"

"You can charge everything to your room, you know that, right?"

"...What?"

"You can charge the entire check to your room."

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me that before I threw my kids' drinks away?!"

I just stared at the dumb hoe. I made the kids their drinks all over again and fucked hers up on purpose. No bitch, you didn't get nonfat in your latte, it was pure whole.

Moms. Moms, moms, moms. Please, don't ever display this kind of behavior in front of your children. It not only hurts their feelings and embarasses them, but turns them into hoes that get passed around at parties, girl OR boy. Sometimes, adults act worse than kids.

Have you ever seen a parent act worse than their child?

I saw her a couple times after that but she never came up to the store, just passed through the lobby with her kids. I swear as they left, the little boy turned around and mouthed, "Help me." Alas, I couldn't. My shift was officially over.

So, I'm taking a screenwriting class and now we are getting onto actually writing scripts. Our assignment this week was to take an outline of a comedy sketch we made previously and write a script to it. Since I haven't updated in FOREVER, I decided to let you all (you lucky ducks!) see it. BTdubs, any tips on script format and whatnot would be greatly appreciated. :)

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INT. UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - NIGHT

A couple is seen in their bed underneath their covers. Giggling is heard on behalf of AMANDA and JAKE begins to moan loudly. Everything stops and AMANDA emerges from the covers, unhappy.



AMANDA leaves the bed and shuffles around in the dresser. She pulls out a DVD and inserts it into the player. She turns on the TV and gets back into bed.



The TV is unseen as it faces JAKE and AMANDA. Sex can be heard as JAKE watches a little confused and embarrassed. AMANDA starts to point out something on the screen.


AMANDA leaves the room into the bathroom. JAKE sits there confused for a bit, sitting on the bed. He looks down and smiles.

What can I say about Belo Horizonte? It's everything I expected and then some. I imagine this is the San Francisco of the Minas Gerais state minus the gays. Have not seen any gays. It's gay-less. Sans gay. Where are the goddamn gays?!

Haha but I love it here. There's so much to do. I went up to a spot called Mirantes, which is basically a spot to overlook the entire city. It's really beautiful, it's a city built on hills so it looks like an ocean. And then you remember that the favelas (think of a ghetto so bad the police refuse to go inside) are on these hills and images of getting shot at, actually getting shot, and 50 Cent getting shot 9 times fill your head and make you want to leave ASAfuckingP. :(

There's a park even higher called the Parque das Mangabeiras where you can basically do anything. It has a spot to overlook Mirantes overlooking the city, some jungle-type settings (not the REAL jungle sadly) for you to explore, and a skate park/soccer court/tennis court/playground. You can walk to these settings or take an overcrowded bus that'll stop at these different locations. The first stop, we lost about 15 of our group members to the Brazilian counterpart of a raccoon called Guaximin.

Yikes. Let me tell you how crazy these Brazilian raccoons are. First of all, they look like a mix of a raccoon and an anteater due to it's long mouth filled with teeth. Teeth so razor sharp, emo kids delight at the thought of controlling their pain with them. They have a weird mix of malice and confusion in their eyes, something that says to me they would kill a band of people and afterwards just stare off and say, "What happened? What did I do?" But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Before we even get to the park, we were on a street with some weird physics black magic that slants down but if your car is idle, you get pulled up. True story, this isn't even a joke. David Blaine, get back here and undo this physics anomaly!  Anyways, after experiencing this, I was told about these animals and how they are dependent on the food that humans give them. They no longer hunt in their natural habitat because some fool with Cheetos will always give them something to eat. So now, they are persistent and if you have food, they are relentless on getting a bite... or five.

So there's a group of deaf people waiting at the bus stop before we arrive. I didn't believe they were deaf and I thought my friend was being mean until I saw some light speed signing going on. After I reminisced about some deaf bitch who went to Starbucks and got pissed at ME for HER disability, we got on the bus and stopped at the first area, the spot that overlooks the entire city. Next to the stop is a bathroom and some tables to sit and eat. Lo and behold, one of the deaf kids wanted to get a picture of him feeding the little creature. All of a sudden, the one creature alerted his friends and more came out to eat. In total, there were about 8. The bus driver called for everyone to get on the bus so some of us turned to go, unknowing that this petting zoo was about to turn into Jurassic Park.

The deaf kid stood up, closed the bag, and turned around to walk away after taking what he wanted from it, throwing a crumpled up twenty and signing, "Thanks for the good time, bitch." at the used animal. The coons weren't having that. They started to jump up and down his legs in protest which caused him to push at them and a few of his friends came to back him up. No no no no. They went absolutely crazy! They clawed the poor boy as I ran to watch, from a distance, nature take its course. I took solace near the bus, ready to run should a coon think I was deaf by association. The boy Chris Brown'd one of the animals down to the dirt and with a puff of dust, it just laid there, opting to be his Rihanna and do nothing.

Turns out it was already someone's Rihanna so the original Chris Brown went up to spar with the King of the Hearing Impaired. Sucker biting him in the shoulder, the deaf boy went down and the animals bit and bit and bit, delighting in their victory as his friends turned to run. Three guaximin attacked one as the other five went to work on the other friend's knees. The friend fighting off the three Brazilian coons managed to slam two to the ground before he fell to the ground, the survivor marking him as his territory. The now-kneeless boy turned to me, his fingers moving as fast as my overweight uncle to a buffet for help. Unfortunately, I do not know sign language so I could only watch in disgust and some odd pleasure at this grotesque sight. The five began to devour the rest of the group, latching onto a girl's eyes and tearing through the throat of a group aide, destroying the able-to-hear indiscriminately along with the rest.

They began to attack us as we tried to close the bus doors but the guaximin managed to keep them open. In one last heroic attempt, I activated the human shield, throwing a woman out of the bus as to spare the rest of us. We managed to get away and escape the horror of the guaximin.

By the end, all that was left was patches of fur and two hearing aids.

I looked up at the sun, blinded by the sunlight and looked back down, surprised at the sight in front of me. The boy was beginning to feed the animal as the bus driver called for us to board.

Oh hell no. I refuse to be apart of this installment of Final Destination.

I walked away, saying nothing as me and the unknowing Cris leave the deaf group to their fate. I'm far too lazy to keep tabs on who's next and who's been skipped. I respectfully relinquished my title of Vision Boy as I nod "What's up" to Death walking out of the men's bathroom with TP under his shoe. I stepped on the bus and the human shield was in front of me. I pushed her off the bus and went about my day at the Parque das Mangabeiras.

On a brighter note, I experienced the samba club for the first time and had the time of my life. How was your weekend?

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Feel the need to undo the exaggeration. While they do jump around and pester you, I don't really think the guaximin kill you over a bag of trans fat. :) So don't you fret about that group of people with ears that don't work. I'm sure they left the area just fine.

The Parque das Mangabeiras was absolutely amazing!! :))